When I die, I want to die like my grandfather—who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take an aspirin” and
“Keep away from children.”
Author Unknown
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support
group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey
The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
Jeff Foxworthy
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even
considering if there is a man on base.”
Dave Barry
“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to
teach you how to swim.”
Paula Poundstone
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.”
Bob Ettinger
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
Conan O’Brien
“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a
slow learner.”
Lynda Montgomery
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York
said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t
cold enough. Let’s go west.”
Richard Jeni
“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead.”
Johnny Carson
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
Paul Rodriguez
“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that’s the law.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?”
Warren Hutcherson
“Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde
“Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress… But I repeat myself.”
Mark Twain
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan.”
A. Whitney Brown
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of
that!”
Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was
taken.
Author Unknown
